Now Josh is a really ultra nice dudical. He treats me fairly and really no different than he treats others. He is noble and fair, I think. However, for some reason, I feel a great sense of apprehension about him.

Yes, he is a nice guy with an open mind and willing to listen, learn, and understand. However, he is a white guy living in a white guy’s world with all the privileges that affords. I don’t think he is accoustumed to the practice of critical thinking  though he is critical. It’s weird. He recognizes his privilege and that he needs help anti-oppression wise. It’s just that for a lot of things, someone needs to point it out and I’m getting concerned that I just look like an everything-hater if I’m the one who keeps doing it. I guess I dont like his friends either. They’re good because they provide a different voting base but I dont really want them part of the campaign team….I just want them as voters hah. I dont know how to tell him I think his friends are douches. I also feel like they wont respect me as a candidate. Think I’m an overachiever who is not cognizant of her own identity politics.

 I also feel as though Josh does not respect me much as a candidate however I have not much to substantiate this. He treats me no different, listens to me, and respects me fine. However, my identity as a Muslim comes up often. I need to have a frank discussion about this with him. His ideas are so tarnished by popular media and social constructions of Muslim (esp ‘Muslim woman’). He asks me questions in a very earnest way and I realize it benefits us for him to do so (the thing I like much about him is his honesty) but seriously, do some of the thinking your self. I want to give him the tools to do so.

I wonder why I am not totally comfortable with him. Perhaps it is his friends/the lack of background he has in these things. I also realize that Josh & I would never really talk or be friends outside of this context. He might even consider me a wet blanket bahahah! I did do istikhara regarding him but I guess I need to do more. This is part of the test and inshAllah it is for the best.

Please keep Josh, Steve, & I in your prayers.

Personally, a lot of reason for my fame on this campus is because the paper misrepresented me so badly. I was in almost every other issue of last year’s paper due to events on campus. I regularly had to answer to the distorted picture of me that the paper presented. However, in many ways, the paper now feels a kind of sense of debt towards me. I email them reguarly about stories they should cover to keep our student government in check. Despite despising them, I recognize the importance of them hence my willingness to engage with them.

So writing an op-ed before the election period was a must. It gets my name out there and will provide a reference point for me during the election. It will prove I am committed. So I chose an issue I feel strongly about and will likely bring up during the election. It is an extremely ‘safe’ issue that holds little contention, generally speaking.

However, upon reading my article today in the paper, I had to cringe. My piece is written SO politically and there are parts of it that I don’t 100% believe in. It is steeped in liberalism and props up the student government so much. It is not very critical and instead paints rosy pictures. I am not dishonest anywhere, but I am not fully honest either. It’s very  neutral which is not typical of me. I wrote it as a politician.

Someone  who did not know about the campaign told me the article did not sound like me. I asked why and he said because there were parts of it that had no substansive argument or critique. That kind of shocked me. I realized that if the people I respect most on this campus did not know about my political aspirations, they would be second guessing me right now given that article.

Which makes me think how much I will be willing to compromise myself. I dont think I have sold out, but perhaps I am selling myself short. This is the game of politics however. I have had to purge my Facebook and often find myself censoring in classes and the like. I am not true to myself and its for this campaign. I am real though, I am honest, I’m just not putting myself out there as much.

I just never thought I’d find myself in this position. Where I go shopping and think of clothes that would make me more appealing; think of ways to depoliticize myself. It’s all very frightening and God willing I have the checks & balances in place to keep me straight & true to m’self.

Whoever is reading this, if you even exist, please keep me in your prayers =)

I removed them in installments. I often reconsider stuff I have written before and my thoughts change rapidly so to have something written in stone is not preferable. Thoughts are fluid and blog posts are not. Perhaps then I have decided to alter the direction of this blog to reflect snapshots of my mind at particular moments. Instead of telling you my perspective on things, I will tell you my thoughts. Which is, in many ways, more scary.

Except I now have a rallying point. An election. And by election I mean student government elections for my university.  That I plan to partake in. So this is moreso a memoir for myself, and I hope that the lack of updating on my end (+ the fact that seldom few know this exists) will make this a collection of thoughts for myself only. I most greatly fear that  my university mates will stumble upon this, using my honesty as a tool against me. So if you do by chance happen to come upon this blog, I request that you please do not divulge ANY details about me whatsoever regardless of anything. Let us discuss the issues, not the person or the institution or anything that links anyone to this blog. Anonymity is the sacred essence of this blog so help me God.

Please pray for success.

I’ve been very internally conflicted recently, as are most of us I’m sure. But most of my recent conflicts pertain to the political. I’m not really sure where I find myself. On one hand, I have always believed in the importance of being involved politically as I never believed change could be wrought without political leverage – which requires some form of involvement. On the other hand, I have recently felt very disenfranchised by these political systems and perhaps society en generale. And by being involved in it, I reckon I am simply reaffirming it thus achieving nothing, if not being counterproductive. And that’s just a part of it. There is much more I struggle with, and everyday it consumes my thought. Not in any debilitating fashion, oh no not at all thank God, but rather streams of thoughts that end up leading to more questions. It’s all very useful, I think. We should always constantly be questioning ourselves and internally critiquing our conceptions. That’s what I hope I’m doing. There are just more questions than I can find answers to. So perhaps that’s why I’ve attempted the world of blogging again – not to give voice to my maniacal thoughts in any self-glorified way, but rather up to glorify the thoughts of others and hope that you all can and will give your reflections & takes on issues and thus help me with my jihading….

“And the only victory is with God”